rain

today is so peaceful. i love lazy, rainy sundays.

hi.

as usual, i could start this post by saying, "it's been awhile." i haven't posted since april...3 months ago! i am bad at consistency. but i'm trying to get better.

so much has happened since then.

firstly, my husband left to begin the process of a deployment to afghanistan. he's on base at camp pendleton in california, preparing to go to afghanistan next month. it's been a roller coaster of emotion, for sure. some days i'm fine, other days i'm really sad, and most days there is just a lingering sadness over me. i'm pretty sure it will be here to stay until dan gets home. even amidst that sadness, i have been keeping busy, having fun, and enjoying friends.

i recently visited dan over independence day weekend. we stayed 3 days in san diego. it was a lot of fun. we watched fireworks on a rooftop, explored the city, had great fish tacos, and laid around the hotel watching movies for an entire day. it was lovely. now its on to the next stepping stone of this deployment process - he'll be home for a week in august. after that, he goes to afghanistan for 8 months. i don't know how that will feel. currently, with him being in the states, it feels as if seeing him is still attainable. i know that he is within our borders. if worse came to worse, i could get to him. but to be what seems like worlds away and in harm's way... i don't know how that will feel or how i will handle it. psalm 91, psalm 91, psalm 91.

my grandfather al also recently passed away. june 27th of this summer. i never, never, never would have seen it coming. he was so full of life and joy and abundance. it just doesn't feel possible or real that he is gone. we had a memorial service for him today in michigan. it was really beautiful. it's amazing to me how many lives he has touched.

last, but certainly not least...i know have two roomies! my dear friend mary cassidy and a new friend rachel. it's worked out really wonderfully. its great to have their company and companionship. especially nowadays.

plus, we watch really fun shows together. love you girls!

it's been a while.

good morning.

i'm up earlier than usual, and that feels good. for the past couple of months i've been barely dragging myself out of bed about a half hour before its time to go off to work. i leave hurried, frustrated, angry, unprepared, and hungry. i hate all of those feelings! i got up at 7am today - after much argument with myself. and after hitting snooze several times. my goal is 6am. i figure, that gives me two hours to piddle around the house and take my time getting ready. that is what i need to feel calm. everything seems so rushed lately, i just need a few hours of the day where there is calm. you can only find that early in the morning or really late at night. because there is nothing else to do - but be calm.

detox.

so i'm doing a detox today.

it's supposed to remove toxins/chemicals/waste/etc/ from your body. all the chemicals and toxins we store can cause fatigue, headaches, and a host of other more serious issues.

i wish we could detox our non-physical bodies. our hearts, our minds, our souls. well, i know that we can - with the blood of christ, but sometimes i wish it were more simple. i wish there was a step by step method that would reap results immediately. at the same time, i know that this isn't what i would really want - because mystery is good. stumbling and finding your own way is good.

but geeeeeeesh. sometimes i wish it were easier.

Sun Jar from SUCK UK at ELSEWARES / 718-502-8893

Sun Jar from SUCK UK at ELSEWARES / 718-502-8893

Paula Scher gets serious | Video on TED.com

Paula Scher gets serious | Video on TED.com

home.

went home this past weekend. so beautiful.

if you didn't know, i have the most amazing church. a church that started out in a school gym, to a tent, and now a gorgeous building.

the area is so small, unassuming. but wow! god never fails to show up, never fails to remind me of who i am. each and every time i visit, i am reminded.

anyways, they started what they call a "prayer furnace." it's three sessions every day of harp and bowl worship. it is absolutely beautiful. for the past two weeks, several people from my church have been in worship and prayer for about 40 hours a week.

it was wonderful to reconnect with friends and talk about how much time has flown by. to laugh, to talk, to cry a lot. it was good.

i'm just reminded again of how far i feel that i am straying lately. not exactly from the lord, well i should say not totally. but i'm straying from myself, from who i am. i'm getting short changed. i'm settling. it isn't good, and it was never intended.

it's spiritual, it's physical. i can sense it, i can feel it.


oh, let your fire fall.
we are in need of you.
our hearts are longing for your presence.

myers briggs test

So, I took this really long and thorough personality test from Myers Briggs. I'm an INFP!


INFPs are idealistic and loyal to their values and to the people important to them. They are curious and quick to see possibilities, and often are catalysts for implementing new ideas. They want to understand people and help them fulfill their potential. They are adaptable until one of their cherished values is threatened.

They value home, family, autonomy, health, and creativity.

INFPs represent approximately 4% of the U.S. population.

a challenge.

ask yourself these questions.
ask yourself daily.

when or where in the past 24 hours did you feel you were cooperating most fully with God's action in your life?
when were you resisting?

what habits and life patterns do i notice?
when did i feel most alive?
most drained of life?
when did i have the greatest sense of belonging?
when did i feel most alone?
when did i give love?
when did i receive love?
when did i feel most fully myself?
least myself?
when did i feel most whole?
most fragmented?

prayer of examen.

what is this season?

i'm just not content.

family. they're mine.

bring a little love for me.

i'm ready to give up all my sin;
but i don't know where to begin.

sweet lover mine,
it's the morning of a new day.

and i thank you Lord, for everything
that you've done.


so, life is hectic right now. i started a new job as the activity director at chardon healthcare. i know, i know, everyone thinks all activity directors do is play games and schedule games all day. not the case. i feel i've just been thrown into this ocean of things that i've never had to deal with before. employees, one in particular that doesn't like me and thinks i should have never gotten the promotion, monthly budgets, hiring, interviewing, calling people and telling them you aren't going to hire them, dealing with a human resource manager who is so incredibly moody and/or bipolar, disciplining/managing employees that are basically the same age as me, organizing about a bajillion things, planning ahead, being responsible, watching what i say, not getting too busy for my residents, constantly worrying about individualized care for my residents, hearing one of my residents tell me, "oh, you're just like ONE OF THEM now!" (granted, she's a little {a lot} crazy), managing care plans, progress notes, MDS, assessments, RAPs...it's so much!

granted, right now i'm in the thick of things. old boss just left, i just got promoted, we have a vacant spot, i'm still learning the job, although everyone expects me to just know things it seems - things just aren't on a smooth course right now. i just want to remember to not get too far ahead of myself, to keep the stress down, and to just look forward. to just look at God and His strength, not at my own.

pray for me!

the drifter and the gypsy

the train is almost here
this decision seems so clear
i can feel the habit cutting like a knife
in the end i know that it is gonna drive right into me

cause i’m a drifter and i know that doesn’t do me any good
moving on from place to place, never staying where i should

i left him just to leave
no i left him cause he needed me
i can feel him looking at me
like i took his '67 chevrolet and drove it away

cause i’m a gypsy and i know that doesn’t do me any good
moving on from place to place, stealing hearts just cause i could

walked into another strange place,
didn’t see a single face that I recognized or want to,
guess its on to the next place

cause i’m a drifter and i know that doesn’t do me any good
moving on from place to place, never staying where i should
i’m a gypsy and i know that doesn’t do me any good
moving on from place to place, stealing hearts just cause i could

rosi golan.

yes, yes indeed.

olympia
orcas island
seattle
everett
ocean shores
seaside
portland
lincoln city
newport
astoria
eugene
gold beach
eureka
redding
napa
san francisco
big sur
carmel
monterey
corvallis
truckee
capitola
del mar
eastsound
san luis obispo
crested butte
bozeman
homer
prescott
little river
la jolla
pacific city
malibu
depoe bay
sonoma
san diego
yachats
elk

a bit 'o truth.

life is hard.
romans 8:21-22

God is more concerned with glorifying Himself
and changing us than solving our problems.
2 corinthians 4:17

God has an eternal purpose He is fulfilling
in the midst of our problems.
romans 5:3-4
james 1:24-25

God wants to use our problems
as part of His sanctifying process
in our lives.
job 23:10

no matter what problem we face,
God's grace is sufficient.
2 corinthians 12:7-10

lately.

so, a friend of mine called me up to ask how i was doing.
she thought i seemed a bit sad the last time i saw her.

i've been thinking about that and have come to some conclusions about how i'm feeling and the goings on of my life lately.

i guess i'm just overwhelmed. and peaceful at the same time.
it's these conflicting feelings that sum everything up.

the biggest thing on my heart as of late is dan's upcoming (and quickly upcoming at that) deployment to afghanistan. it is so strange because it feels so far away to me and yet so dangerously close at the same time. it feels like it isn't really going to happen and yet i am very, very aware that it is happening and soon. i feel overwhelmed, scared, disappointed, annoyed, and worried about him leaving. but at the same exact time i feel peaceful, i feel an enormous amount of pride for the sacrifice my husband is making and for the things i am beginning to understand about the root and embodiment of a man, and about the military and their spouses that many never will understand. i feel expectant, because i know that Jesus has plans for me in this. i know that He knew about this bajillions of years before i was even a twinkle in anyone's eye. i know that this event is an instrumental part of His plan to make me the woman he has been dreaming up for a countless amount of time. i am also certain that this deployment is going to strengthen our marriage so profoundly, we're facing something very difficult together after only two years. I know that God has big plans for our marriage.

so, the good outweighs the bad, but they are conflicting feelings nonetheless.
this is going to be a hell and a promised land all at once.

but, our God is good. so good.

i have also been learning a lot lately. so many truths of God and His Kingdom - and how i fit in - are being revealed to me. I just have this indescribable urge to jump into my calling/destiny/what have you and just be "right in the thick of things", whatever that means...

but God continues to tell me to wait.
to sit.
to quiet myself.
to listen.
to be.

with this comes more conflicting feelings. i want to search out opportunities, i want to get this training, take that class, volunteer here, help there, travel here, listen to this teaching, read that book, watch this movie, listen to that song, check out this website, get this devotional sent to my email, change the way i do this or that, read about this guy's way of thinking...

but my spirit is so insistent on sitting, being quiet, listening, being.

so at the very same time i am inside wanting to do all these things and i'm battling with the other part of myself that wants to do nothing. and it's comical. sometimes i feel schizophrenic.

but God is faithful. he put a wonderful new friend/mentor into my life. my pastor's wife, julie. she has been a breath of fresh air to me in more ways than i can say. she is pleasant, silly, light hearted and easy going - but she is also rooted and grounded in the Word of God, she walks in integrity, she is not afraid to tell me the truth - to sit, to be quiet, to listen, to be. she gets it, and it seems the Lord has just given her instructions on this season of my life and how to help guide me. it's awesome. so glad she came into my life for such a time as this.

so, i guess that's what is up with me. i could go on for hours more explaining other things that seem to be a source of conflicting feelings right now, but it doesn't matter. those two are the big ones that everything else falls beneath. and, all in all, i'm doing pretty great. this is exactly where i need to be.

i rearranged my hot pink office. the desk into the corner. a mason jar of flowers. my favorite photo of dan. audrey to my right, and my "just be" plaque to my left. i like it.

i love men. especially mine.

A man carries cash.

A man looks out for those around him -- woman, friend, stranger.

A man can cook eggs.

A man can always find something good to watch on television.

A man makes things -- a rock wall, a table, the tuition money.
Or he rebuilds -- engines, watches, fortunes.

He passes along expertise, one man to the next.

Know-how survives him.

A man fantasizes that kung fu lives deep inside him somewhere.

A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. It doesn't matter what his job is, because if a man doesn't like his job, he gets a new one.

A man can speak to dogs.

A man listens, and that's how he argues. He crafts opinions. He can pound the table, take the floor. It's not that he must. It's that he can.

A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers.

A man owns up.

A man grasps his mistakes.
He lays claim to who he is, and what he was, whether he likes them or not.

Some mistakes, though, he lets pass if no one notices. Like dropping the steak in the dirt.

A man can tell you he was wrong. That he did wrong. That he planned to. He can tell you when he is lost. He can apologize, even if sometimes it's just to put an end to the bickering.

A man does not wither at the thought of dancing. But it is generally to be avoided.

Style -- a man has that. No matter how eccentric that style is, it is uncontrived. It's a set of rules.

A man loves the human body, the revelation of nakedness. He loves the sight of the pale bosom, the physics of the human skeleton, the alternating current of the flesh. He is thrilled by the wrist and the sight of a bare shoulder. He likes the crease of a bent knee.

Maybe he never has, and maybe he never will, but a man figures he can knock someone, somewhere, on his bottom.

A man doesn't point out that he did the dishes.

A man knows how to ridicule.

A man gets the door. Without thinking.

He stops traffic when he must.

A man knows how to lose an afternoon. Playing Grand Theft Auto, driving aimlessly, shooting pool.

He knows how to lose a month, also.

A man welcomes the coming of age. It frees him. It allows him to assume the upper hand and teaches him when to step aside.

He understands the basic mechanics of the planet. Or he can close one eye, look up at the sun, and tell you what time of day it is. Or where north is. He can tell you where you might find something to eat or where the fish run.

He understands electricity or the internal-combustion engine, the mechanics of flight or how to figure a pitcher's ERA.

A man does not know everything. He doesn't try. He likes what other men know.

A man knows his tools and how to use them -- just the ones he needs. Knows which saw is for what, how to find
the stud, when to use galvanized nails.

A miter saw, incidentally, is the kind that sits on a table, has a circular blade, and is used for cutting at precise angles. Very satisfying saw.

He does not rely on rationalizations or explanations. He doesn't winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. He doesn't see himself lost in some great maw of humanity, some grand sweep. That's the liberal thread; it's why men won't line up as liberals.

A man resists formulations, questions belief, embraces ambiguity without making a fetish out of it. A man revisits his beliefs. Continually. That's why men won't forever line up with conservatives, either.

A man is comfortable being alone. Loves being alone, actually. He sleeps.

Or he stands watch. He interrupts trouble. This is the state policeman. This is the poet. Men, both of them.

A man loves driving alone most of all.

A man watches. Sometimes he goes and sits at an auction knowing he won't spend a dime, witnessing the temptation and the maneuvering of others. Sometimes he stands on the street corner watching stuff. This is not about quietude so much as collection.

It is not about meditation so much as considering. A man refracts his vision and gains acuity. This serves him in every way. No one taught him this -- to be quiet, to cipher, to watch. In this way, in these moments, the man is like a zoo animal: both captive and free.

You cannot take your eyes off a man when he is like that. You shouldn't. Who knows what he is thinking, who he is, or what he will do next.

i'll be seeing you, friend.

I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through.

In that small cafe;
The park across the way;
The children's carousel;
The chestnut trees;
The wishin' well.

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day;
In every thing that's light and gay.
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day;
In every thing that's light and gay.
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

billy holiday.

spring anticipation.

welcome, march...so glad you're here.

GIRAFFES

so, i have this wonderful friend, mary.
she pointed me into the direction of this video.
this is why i love giraffes.

please excuse the silly commercial beforehand.

also, i must recommend the book giraffes! giraffes!