lately.

so, a friend of mine called me up to ask how i was doing.
she thought i seemed a bit sad the last time i saw her.

i've been thinking about that and have come to some conclusions about how i'm feeling and the goings on of my life lately.

i guess i'm just overwhelmed. and peaceful at the same time.
it's these conflicting feelings that sum everything up.

the biggest thing on my heart as of late is dan's upcoming (and quickly upcoming at that) deployment to afghanistan. it is so strange because it feels so far away to me and yet so dangerously close at the same time. it feels like it isn't really going to happen and yet i am very, very aware that it is happening and soon. i feel overwhelmed, scared, disappointed, annoyed, and worried about him leaving. but at the same exact time i feel peaceful, i feel an enormous amount of pride for the sacrifice my husband is making and for the things i am beginning to understand about the root and embodiment of a man, and about the military and their spouses that many never will understand. i feel expectant, because i know that Jesus has plans for me in this. i know that He knew about this bajillions of years before i was even a twinkle in anyone's eye. i know that this event is an instrumental part of His plan to make me the woman he has been dreaming up for a countless amount of time. i am also certain that this deployment is going to strengthen our marriage so profoundly, we're facing something very difficult together after only two years. I know that God has big plans for our marriage.

so, the good outweighs the bad, but they are conflicting feelings nonetheless.
this is going to be a hell and a promised land all at once.

but, our God is good. so good.

i have also been learning a lot lately. so many truths of God and His Kingdom - and how i fit in - are being revealed to me. I just have this indescribable urge to jump into my calling/destiny/what have you and just be "right in the thick of things", whatever that means...

but God continues to tell me to wait.
to sit.
to quiet myself.
to listen.
to be.

with this comes more conflicting feelings. i want to search out opportunities, i want to get this training, take that class, volunteer here, help there, travel here, listen to this teaching, read that book, watch this movie, listen to that song, check out this website, get this devotional sent to my email, change the way i do this or that, read about this guy's way of thinking...

but my spirit is so insistent on sitting, being quiet, listening, being.

so at the very same time i am inside wanting to do all these things and i'm battling with the other part of myself that wants to do nothing. and it's comical. sometimes i feel schizophrenic.

but God is faithful. he put a wonderful new friend/mentor into my life. my pastor's wife, julie. she has been a breath of fresh air to me in more ways than i can say. she is pleasant, silly, light hearted and easy going - but she is also rooted and grounded in the Word of God, she walks in integrity, she is not afraid to tell me the truth - to sit, to be quiet, to listen, to be. she gets it, and it seems the Lord has just given her instructions on this season of my life and how to help guide me. it's awesome. so glad she came into my life for such a time as this.

so, i guess that's what is up with me. i could go on for hours more explaining other things that seem to be a source of conflicting feelings right now, but it doesn't matter. those two are the big ones that everything else falls beneath. and, all in all, i'm doing pretty great. this is exactly where i need to be.

i rearranged my hot pink office. the desk into the corner. a mason jar of flowers. my favorite photo of dan. audrey to my right, and my "just be" plaque to my left. i like it.

i love men. especially mine.

A man carries cash.

A man looks out for those around him -- woman, friend, stranger.

A man can cook eggs.

A man can always find something good to watch on television.

A man makes things -- a rock wall, a table, the tuition money.
Or he rebuilds -- engines, watches, fortunes.

He passes along expertise, one man to the next.

Know-how survives him.

A man fantasizes that kung fu lives deep inside him somewhere.

A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. It doesn't matter what his job is, because if a man doesn't like his job, he gets a new one.

A man can speak to dogs.

A man listens, and that's how he argues. He crafts opinions. He can pound the table, take the floor. It's not that he must. It's that he can.

A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers.

A man owns up.

A man grasps his mistakes.
He lays claim to who he is, and what he was, whether he likes them or not.

Some mistakes, though, he lets pass if no one notices. Like dropping the steak in the dirt.

A man can tell you he was wrong. That he did wrong. That he planned to. He can tell you when he is lost. He can apologize, even if sometimes it's just to put an end to the bickering.

A man does not wither at the thought of dancing. But it is generally to be avoided.

Style -- a man has that. No matter how eccentric that style is, it is uncontrived. It's a set of rules.

A man loves the human body, the revelation of nakedness. He loves the sight of the pale bosom, the physics of the human skeleton, the alternating current of the flesh. He is thrilled by the wrist and the sight of a bare shoulder. He likes the crease of a bent knee.

Maybe he never has, and maybe he never will, but a man figures he can knock someone, somewhere, on his bottom.

A man doesn't point out that he did the dishes.

A man knows how to ridicule.

A man gets the door. Without thinking.

He stops traffic when he must.

A man knows how to lose an afternoon. Playing Grand Theft Auto, driving aimlessly, shooting pool.

He knows how to lose a month, also.

A man welcomes the coming of age. It frees him. It allows him to assume the upper hand and teaches him when to step aside.

He understands the basic mechanics of the planet. Or he can close one eye, look up at the sun, and tell you what time of day it is. Or where north is. He can tell you where you might find something to eat or where the fish run.

He understands electricity or the internal-combustion engine, the mechanics of flight or how to figure a pitcher's ERA.

A man does not know everything. He doesn't try. He likes what other men know.

A man knows his tools and how to use them -- just the ones he needs. Knows which saw is for what, how to find
the stud, when to use galvanized nails.

A miter saw, incidentally, is the kind that sits on a table, has a circular blade, and is used for cutting at precise angles. Very satisfying saw.

He does not rely on rationalizations or explanations. He doesn't winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. He doesn't see himself lost in some great maw of humanity, some grand sweep. That's the liberal thread; it's why men won't line up as liberals.

A man resists formulations, questions belief, embraces ambiguity without making a fetish out of it. A man revisits his beliefs. Continually. That's why men won't forever line up with conservatives, either.

A man is comfortable being alone. Loves being alone, actually. He sleeps.

Or he stands watch. He interrupts trouble. This is the state policeman. This is the poet. Men, both of them.

A man loves driving alone most of all.

A man watches. Sometimes he goes and sits at an auction knowing he won't spend a dime, witnessing the temptation and the maneuvering of others. Sometimes he stands on the street corner watching stuff. This is not about quietude so much as collection.

It is not about meditation so much as considering. A man refracts his vision and gains acuity. This serves him in every way. No one taught him this -- to be quiet, to cipher, to watch. In this way, in these moments, the man is like a zoo animal: both captive and free.

You cannot take your eyes off a man when he is like that. You shouldn't. Who knows what he is thinking, who he is, or what he will do next.