lately.

so, a friend of mine called me up to ask how i was doing.
she thought i seemed a bit sad the last time i saw her.

i've been thinking about that and have come to some conclusions about how i'm feeling and the goings on of my life lately.

i guess i'm just overwhelmed. and peaceful at the same time.
it's these conflicting feelings that sum everything up.

the biggest thing on my heart as of late is dan's upcoming (and quickly upcoming at that) deployment to afghanistan. it is so strange because it feels so far away to me and yet so dangerously close at the same time. it feels like it isn't really going to happen and yet i am very, very aware that it is happening and soon. i feel overwhelmed, scared, disappointed, annoyed, and worried about him leaving. but at the same exact time i feel peaceful, i feel an enormous amount of pride for the sacrifice my husband is making and for the things i am beginning to understand about the root and embodiment of a man, and about the military and their spouses that many never will understand. i feel expectant, because i know that Jesus has plans for me in this. i know that He knew about this bajillions of years before i was even a twinkle in anyone's eye. i know that this event is an instrumental part of His plan to make me the woman he has been dreaming up for a countless amount of time. i am also certain that this deployment is going to strengthen our marriage so profoundly, we're facing something very difficult together after only two years. I know that God has big plans for our marriage.

so, the good outweighs the bad, but they are conflicting feelings nonetheless.
this is going to be a hell and a promised land all at once.

but, our God is good. so good.

i have also been learning a lot lately. so many truths of God and His Kingdom - and how i fit in - are being revealed to me. I just have this indescribable urge to jump into my calling/destiny/what have you and just be "right in the thick of things", whatever that means...

but God continues to tell me to wait.
to sit.
to quiet myself.
to listen.
to be.

with this comes more conflicting feelings. i want to search out opportunities, i want to get this training, take that class, volunteer here, help there, travel here, listen to this teaching, read that book, watch this movie, listen to that song, check out this website, get this devotional sent to my email, change the way i do this or that, read about this guy's way of thinking...

but my spirit is so insistent on sitting, being quiet, listening, being.

so at the very same time i am inside wanting to do all these things and i'm battling with the other part of myself that wants to do nothing. and it's comical. sometimes i feel schizophrenic.

but God is faithful. he put a wonderful new friend/mentor into my life. my pastor's wife, julie. she has been a breath of fresh air to me in more ways than i can say. she is pleasant, silly, light hearted and easy going - but she is also rooted and grounded in the Word of God, she walks in integrity, she is not afraid to tell me the truth - to sit, to be quiet, to listen, to be. she gets it, and it seems the Lord has just given her instructions on this season of my life and how to help guide me. it's awesome. so glad she came into my life for such a time as this.

so, i guess that's what is up with me. i could go on for hours more explaining other things that seem to be a source of conflicting feelings right now, but it doesn't matter. those two are the big ones that everything else falls beneath. and, all in all, i'm doing pretty great. this is exactly where i need to be.

i rearranged my hot pink office. the desk into the corner. a mason jar of flowers. my favorite photo of dan. audrey to my right, and my "just be" plaque to my left. i like it.